Be In Control

/This is the fourth post in my brand new series “Be”. Where we will look at different ways of feeling and being and examine how we can shift from our undesired feelings to the ones we wish to embody and feel. It is important to me that we don’t say “I want to be more ” or “I want to be less _” we have enough negative self-talk in our life. So for those of us seeking change and becoming who we want to be, I thought this would be a new and fun approach. I hope you enjoy./

To feel in control of our lives! What a gift!

One which I didn’t always have. I ignored problems, blamed other people, and chose to be resentful instead of taking control of my life. That is not a good place to be. For me, I felt trapped, lost, hopeless, and I was angry. Being angry for a long period of time is exhausting and not something I’m willing to do any more.

So here are 5. Way to Be in Control.

  1. Take Responsibility

Take responsibility for all of it. Everything that’s going on in your life right now? Good or bad? What’s the common denominator? It’s you baby! And even though that feels horrible sometimes because there are things that are out of our control, like car accidents, people leaving our lives, someone saying something hurtful, a medical diagnosis whatever it might be. What we can control is our /response/ to our circumstances. We can control how we view our circumstances. We can take responsibility for the unhealed parts of ourselves by seeking healing or therapy. We can take responsibility for the hardship in our family by seeking solutions. Everything is figureouttable, everything. Even if things seem bleak and impossible. There is help all around us to bring ourselves back to wholeness. Which is exactly where being in control starts. Taking that one small step to saying, this is my reality and I want to change it and I’m the only one who can.

  1. You are the captain of your ship.

What do you want for you life? What makes you excited? What is your hearts desire?

I believe that’s important because I believe we have a purpose in life. I believe that purpose lies in those deep, heart-felt desires. Know them, play with them. Imagine what the life could look like and draw a map. Schedule it, make it happen. You are in charge.

We live in a day in age where you can literally go to the library and start a business. If you don’t believe me, look no further. Last year my laptop broke. I went to the library every single day that my children were at school and from 9:30-10:30 I did everything I could to work on this business and here we are. I was a stay at home Mom with three kids in preschool and I made it happen even though it seemed impossible.

Seek solutions, seek possibility and give yourself grace and patience and the world is limitless.

  1. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES.

I did not know what boundaries were for a long time. I have allowed some really ridiculous things happen to me, especially people treating me badly simply because I didn’t realize that I could say, without saying to anyone else, you can’t treat me that way.

A boundary is just simply a rule that you make for yourself and an action for when that rule is not respected. My children are not allowed to scream at me or they will go to time out. I work from this time to this time, and I don’t schedule anything else. If you smoke in my car, I will ask you to stop.

It seems easy. But it can be really difficult when appropriate boundaries haven’t existed or been enforced. Like with family members, or with your kids. If I let my kids to something like have candy whenever they want, when I tell them no, they are going to get upset. I have to reinforce the boundary. I can tell them why or not. But I am making the purchasing decisions and I’ve said no.

So if you feel like you don’t have enough time, start putting some boundaries around what you do when. Make a schedule and stick to it. No matter what. Honor your commitments to yourself. Honor your energy and where you place it. Honor and respect yourself, your dreams, your family by saying no.

  1. Prioritize

When you know what’s important, you know what’s not. It is so much easier to say yes and no to opportunities, activities etc. when you are clear about what is important to you. Are you building a business? Are you working on goals with your children? Are you getting in shape? Use these projects and goals to help you prioritize your time and efforts. Especially if they have to do with behavior change. I’ll tell you why in a second.

  1. Stay in the game!

Zoning out is America’s favorite past time. Shutting down mentally and emotionally with Netflix, food, alcohol, video games, pornography, facebook, etc. the list goes on, can take you out of your own life. I have battled this one the hardest so I get it. I used to joke about what my feelings tasted like today, I’ve used alcohol to mask boredom, stress and self-hatred, I’ve spent hours online zoning out so I didn’t have to deal with everything else.

Put limits on these things. Allow yourself time to chill and plan them. Plan margaritas with your girlfriends and stop when you’re done. Plan to spend an hour on IG on Sunday night to help you relax. Plan on watching Netflix with your hubs or significant other on Wednesdays. Allow yourself to do it on your terms so you are in charge of your dopamine hit and not the other way around.

This is so critical for our brains now more than ever. We can be as distracted as we want to be and end up missing out on what we truly want in the long run by trading it in for pleasure in the short term. We are taking away from tomorrow when we choose distraction today.

Talk soon,
Alissa Taglione

Fear

What is fear?

Fear is an EMOTION.

Now if you have been hanging out with me for a while you know that I believe that emotions are caused by thoughts. Your feeling of fear is a response to a thought that you believe to be true.

Whether it is a judgment of stimuli in your environment, thoughts of impending doom, a belief system that has been ingrained in your thinking patterns. This emotion is triggered by a thought.

Now there are variations of feeling fearful. I love this emotional vocabulary chart developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox.

So many different variations of this feeling right? There are so many ways to feel fear and to feel scared.

FEAR is normal. Our brains were built that way! But they evolved during a time when we had more legitimate shit to be scared of. Like being prey, starvation, hunting etc. But the same mechanisms we used to survive in the early days of man still function in our now relatively cushy day to day existence and it can wreak havoc on our lives.

So how does the brain respond to fear?

Fear:

Amygdala: scans for threats and signals body to respond

Brain Stem: triggers the freeze response

Hippocampus: turns on the fight-or-flight response

Hypothalamus: signals the adrenal glands to pump hormones

Pre-Frontal Cortex: interprets the event and compares it to past experiences

Thalamus: receives input from the senses and “decides” to send information to either the sensory cortex (conscious fear) or the amygdala (defense mechanism)

NOW NOTE THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX!

This is the part of our brains that makes us evolved human beings. This is where we get to go into our “higher” mind and decide our response. Rather than flipping out in our “lizard brain” or traditional fight or flight (or freeze). What this really breaks down to is a separation of the subconscious and conscious mind.

This is important to know because I’m sure, like me you have overreacted at least once or twice in your life. Our lizard brain takes our thoughts and triggers flight or fight. It is our job to rewire our brains to respond appropriately to what’s happening around us. That is why it is so important to WATCH what is happening in our brain.

Sometimes you need to get real about your thinking and how it is keeping you stuck. Often, for people who are feeling stuck, there is an underlying sense of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of making a mistake, fear of failing. It’s not that the feeling of fear needs to be ignored or discarded. It’s there for a reason. But your brain is wired to basically tell you that if you do this, there is a chance you could die. That is how we are originally designed. To avoid death and procreate, etc etc. So when our brain is freezing on us, or when we find ourselves in fight or flight because we want to do something new, that is just our brain trying to keep us safe. It’s out of our norm! It’s not the everyday experience we are used to.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that it is normal to feel fear and a sense of dread when we are doing something new. That we will survive, and it’s ok to fail, and it’s ok to learn. In fact, it’s the only way to grow.

Have a great week,

Alissa