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Shedding My Old Self

When I decided to become a coach and still, to this day, I have a conversation in my head.

I have been wanting to write about this for a long time.

“Remember what you used to be like?”

“Why would anyone listen to you?”

Now I know you’ve probably seen 10,000 blogs, podcasts etc about imposter syndrome but this is about something else. This is about forgiveness, change and becoming a better version of who we are.

This is also about letting go of the person you used to be and stepping into the now. I am going to warn you, I’m going to share some things about myself that I’m not proud of. Some of these things can be triggering. However, I’m also going to talk about how I changed my mind, changed my behavior and changed myself. Because come on, isn’t that the point of coaching? To change into a better grander version of who we are?

Bad Mom:

So for those who don’t know, I am a proud Mama of 3 beautiful boys. They are now 5 and 6, and besides from the normal behavioral issues of preschool and school-aged children we are doing pretty well. I don’t know if you noticed, but I said 3 boys one year apart. I HAD THREE DAMN KIDS IN 1 YEAR to the DAY. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed, over my head and could barely afford anything. I also had zero coping mechanisms. And I drank in the evenings, regularly. More than I should. I lost friends because of it and a lot of respect of the people I love. I was drowning in every way. I was staying at home with my kids and losing it.

What I did to change:

  1. I looked at my kitchen one day and it was in shambles and I said, “a functional adult is not in charge here” and I cut way back.
  2. I put my kids in preschool and got some help! Realizing you need help and asking for it is CRITICAL.
  3. I started exercising to reduce stress and increase my energy level. It also gave me a sense of control when I felt so freaking buried all the time.
  4. I started focusing on coaching to change who I wanted to be, I worked on my mindset and my belief systems and I began my journey to healing parts of myself that were hurting and were AMPLIFIED by reliving the childhood experience.

Ignorant Teenager:

This one is kind of the worst because I can’t believe some of the things I thought it was ok to think and do. I was hurtful to people I didn’t even know because I was angry. I also grew up during the South Park and Eminem TRL era, and being ignorant and saying shocking, hateful shit was the norm. I embraced shock humor, generalities, and hateful humor. Being a mean girl didn’t serve me and I often was more mean to myself than anyone else.

One day I was in a severe car accident. I had to recover, helplessly in a nursing home for a month. Now if that won’t humble you and give you reverence for other people and suffering I don’t know what will.

What I did about it:

  1. A little teacher name Dr. Wayne Dyer popped up on my PBS channel one day and spoke the deepest truth I had ever heard. I realized I’m in charge of my life, I have been given a second chance and it was time to become the wholehearted loving person I am.
  2. I read books that changed my life and I learned about the world. This process didn’t only start with a car accident. I studied cultural anthropology in college. Understanding how the world works and how people live has changed me for the better.
  3. I reconnected with my integrity and what I believe in. The golden rule, humanity, decency, and reverence for the human experience and all the suffering that comes with it.

Sloppy Party Girl

This one I’m still shedding. When I was in my early teens I started using drugs and drinking. Because to be honest, I thought that shit was fun. What I didn’t realize is that it was stunting my ability to cope with life and problems because I was drinking or smoking instead of honoring my feelings and communicating my needs. So I was going to hard and too far.

What I am doing about it:

  1. Cutting way back on drinking. The social norms for alcohol in this country are absurd. Also, it messes with my depression big time!
  2. Running. Running is my new drug. The longer I go, the higher I get.
  3. Running a coaching business: It is important to me that I represent what I study so hard and what I work on regularly. That means showing up as my best, most refreshed and most disciplined self.

How can you apply this in your life?

What parts of your past do you feel shame around? Write it down, talk to a close friend about how you’re feeling. Shame is deadly, and when we share our suffering it gives it space to breathe and we can feel how universal our shame and mistakes are. When we are able to create space for the things we aren’t proud of and look them in the eye, we can give ourselves grace. Remember what you were going through when that happened. Remember the foundation that built that behavior and what was hurting. Remember the pain you felt and honor it! If we can conceptualize our pain and our experiences in totality it’s hard to forgive ourselves. Start there.

One more thing to remember: healing is a journey and it is absolutely not a straight line. We will move forward, back and forward again as we sort through trauma, stress, hardship whether it is from the past or the present circumstances at hand. If you look for healing it will find you. Your teachers will appear. I know that sounds very woo woo, but there is actually science behind it. Our brains are programmed to look for answers. Ask your brain a question and it will begin seeking and you might begin to notice things that you maybe didn’t before. Also, don’t forget that google search bar, friends and really building a support team. Coaching helps us move past hardships and become more future focused. Reiki can help us move energy out of our body, and therapy can help us face and deal with past trauma once and for all.

Thanks for reading/listening. Happy healing, transforming and becoming. ❤

Alissa

The Path of Least Resistance

Winter can be difficult, am I right?

It’s cold or raining. There is stress, there is change, but that change doesn’t seem to come quickly enough.

But the seasons are changing my friend. And with them, we must go along too.

As the northern hemisphere begins to defrost and warm itself we begin to reawaken our senses. Inevitably there will be shifts, in relationships, jobs, health, family. Whether or not these changes come by our own making or as an external force we are responsible to react in a way that honors who we are and what we choose to create in our own lives.

When we resist change or push back in fear we can create so much pressure and pain within ourselves. Our brains can quickly descend into the worst case scenario and overwhelm.

Enter the art of allowing.

For those who are familiar with Abraham Hicks teachings, this will sound familiar. But like trying to swim upstream or against the tide, we create hardship instead of acceptance and flow.

It isn’t so much the circumstance of change that we need to allow, but more of the emotional experience.

If someone leaves and it makes you sad, allow yourself to be sad and flow with that emotion. If you have to go to work, go to work, but don’t force yourself to be at the top of your game, don’t numb out. Be.

Healthy allowing of feelings is crucial for our understanding of ourselves. It’s also crucial for our health. Acceptance and allowing of what is, may not be what we wish it, but it empowers us to respond in healthy ways, honoring our humanness, our beliefs, and how we wish to show up in the world. Authenticity at it’s clearest.

 

 

Are you your own worst boss?

I was listening to the Tim Ferris Podcast this morning with Seth Godin.

They were talking about lots and lots of things but this stuck out to me.

From an excerpt from Seth Godin’s Blog back in December of this past year:

The World’s Worst Boss:

That would be you.

Even if you’re not self-employed, your boss is you. You manage your career, your day, your responses. You manage how you sell your services and your education and the way you talk to yourself.

Odds are, you’re doing it poorly.

If you had a manager that talked to you the way you talked to you, you’d quit. If you had a boss that wasted as much of your time as you do, they’d fire her. If an organization developed its employees as poorly as you are developing yourself, it would soon go under. I’m amazed at how often people choose to fail when they go out on their own or when they end up in one of those rare jobs that encourages one to set an agenda and manage themselves. Faced with the freedom to excel, they falter and hesitate and stall and ultimately punt.

We are surprised when someone self-directed arrives on the scene. Someone who figures out a way to work from home and then turns that into a two-year journey, laptop in hand, as they explore the world while doing their job. We are shocked that someone uses evenings and weekends to get a second education or start a useful new side business. And we’re envious when we encounter someone who has managed to bootstrap themselves into happiness, as if that’s rare or even uncalled for.

This is important. Especially for me as a coach.

Because THIS IS THE SHIT WE WORK ON.

Self-management

Time Management

Making Good Decisions

Creating sustainable habits

Dialing in our everyday

Minimalizing distractions

Being the best damn boss of ourselves we can be.

Coaches exist to take our own life into our own hands and set it off in the direction of our dreams. We help people get out of their own way, work on their personal beliefs systems about how they feel about themselves. We work with clients to help them overcome negative self-talk and remove habits that hurt us, our goals, and our relationships?

Are you the world’s worst boss of yourself? Do the words in Seth Godin’s essay resonate with you? Considering hiring a coach, sitting down and talking one-on-one with what kind of person you want to be and how to get there.

Interested in coaching? Schedule an appointment with me here: https://calendly.com/vivant-coaching/mini-session

 

 

Let the dead things die!

It’s Halloween!

What a wondrous season. I love the fall, it’s my birthday, sweaters and layering and boots season. What’s not to love?

But what I love so much about fall is that it is a reminder of the great cycle of life, things and seasons. Death and rebirth. For those of us who are into astrology, it is also the scorpio season. This is a time of year for alchemical change. Total transformation.

When I read Clarissa Pinkola-Estes book Women Who Run with the Wolves (you can buy the book at the link fall is a great time to read these classic stories of the Wild Woman Archetype) this became a central theme and daily reminder to myself.

As we move into the darker part of the year, and the weather changes around us it is a good reminder to let go and let all that doesn’t serve us fall away.

So what does this look like in my life?

Dropping bad diet habits.

I was on a very strict diet for a long time and I was uncomfortable and miserable and wasn’t getting any results. I am letting that go.

I am ushering in health, plant-based meals twice a day, and cutting way back on drinking.

Getting real in my relationships.

Being honest about my feelings and being clear when things don’t go well. Also, if necessary saying goodbye.

Practicing Non-Attachment

Being clear that nothing is permanent, and everything is always changing and giving myself permission to be in the moment. Showing up to do my work but letting it go if it’s not the right path. Not feeling attached to outcomes or possibilities but practicing allowing.

My suggestion to you this season:

What do you want to leave behind?

Who do you want to forgive?

What do you want to stop punishing yourself for?

What isn’t making you feel bright and alive?

Make a list of all that is no longer bringing you joy, peace or happiness that isn’t worth the effort to fix.

Make a little alter of beautiful things that bring joy to you.

For example, I have a statue of the Green Tara that my best friend gave me with handwritten prayers from India inside that I like to place with crystals and stones and candles. But a little bowl of water in the middle.

Light that paper on fire.

Say a prayer to whomever you connect with, source, God, universal energy, Gaia, or yourself and release it.

freestocks-org-155624-unsplash

It’s time to prepare ourselves for winter, for what we want to bring in to the world and create, it’s time for planning and contemplation, don’t muddle your vision with things that no longer serve you.

Best to all, and all the love in the world,

Alissa

Scaring Yourself

Boo.

Right now I am in the process of making major changes in my life. I am ready for it. I am also scared out of my mind.

I have been a stay at home mom for years, my kids are getting older, and I could provide so much more for them if I was in the actual workforce. It has been a long time, we are talking like 5 years. I am a different person then I was 5 years ago. I am a stronger person, but I’m also so disconnected.

So I am scaring myself! I am actively engaging with all the fear and hardship that is coming through during this process. Rewriting my resume, sending it out there to potential career options, screwing up. It’s not fun, it’s not easy, nothing new and different ever is.

AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I BELIEVE THAT.

Things don’t have to be fun and easy all the time. I want to work hard, I want to overcome my *stuff* I want to be the best version of myself and that requires growth. It requires courage and most importantly it requires hope. I have faith that I can better provide for my family and create a career that is fulfilling. It is bringing every insecurity to the surface and I get to face those insecurities head on.

That is a beautiful thing. Bring it on universe. I’m ready. I am ready to get uncomfortable so I can feel hopeful, and alive.

What are you doing to scare yourself this season?

 

Identity

Today we are going to discuss something that may not seem flexible at first.

Who we are.

Better yet, let’s change the words here. Our perception of ourselves.

Our perception of ourselves and the way that we interpret our personal reality is the key catalyst to your potential successes and failures. Our personal perception of our capabilities, our strengths, whether or not we are popular or good people is the way we filter the stimulus around us.

Imagine this, I am a young woman who is 15 years old, I go to Highschool at a prominent suburban school and I am going through puberty. My entire life I saw myself as a rebel, a tom-boy, and a very extroverted person. But as my body is physically changing I am becoming more reserved, I am wearing different and more feminine clothing and trying to follow the rules closer. What has happened here?

As this young woman’s body has changed, her perception of herself and how she fits into this new world (freshman in HS) has changed her view of herself. What once made her strong and outgoing is no longer a highly valued social currency. She interprets her attractiveness to others now as wrong and begins to change. Shutting down some of her key characteristics to fit in. Her new perception of herself is that she needs to be quieter, more physically attractive and better behaved so that people will like her more.

This is definitely a survival tactic and potentially even growing up, but as our perception, our identity is developed both culturally and individually this can benefit us or harm us. In this example of the young girl, her once exuberant, rebellious lively personality has been identified as unattractive. Her gift has been put away. As she grows older she may bring out those positive characteristics depending on what her career, college experience or other experiences influence her.

It is important to remember that we are all evaluating and judging our own behavior in different contexts and that not only does that determine how we believe others will perceive us, it determines how we perceive others.

It is also important to note that when we are young and going through adolescences we are essentially domesticated through punishment and reward for our behavior, and we continue to function this way as adults. There are benefits involved in hiding parts of ourselves, such as safety, acceptance, more attention, or less. Our brains are motivated through this and that is why changing is so difficult to achieve.

Our identity is flexible if we desire to unleash a new person for instance, or make-over ourselves, it is possible. Identity isn’t necessarily fixed because it is an interpretation of ourselves. So if our current set of morals, beliefs, goals don’t fit with the life we want to achieve, one important step to take is to become the person we wish to be.

Who do I need to be to achieve this?

This question is everything because change will take a different set of behaviors and choices. It will take a potential change in schedule or how you see yourself. Long-term lasting change in career, health, relationships, or anything else requires learning and action. Those actions will not be the ones you are doing or else you would already be seeing these results.

So, mentally munch on this a while, who do you want to be? Who do you see as your highest potential self? What is it that you want to accomplish and what will it take to get there? Who are people who have accomplished what you want to accomplish and how can you emulate them? What are the unique personal gifts that you can enhance to get you to the next level?

I can’t WAIT to hear your feedback.

Go get em’

 

Alissa

Episode 10 Concept to Experience

 

In today’s episode, we are going raw! I am talking about moving from a concept of the life you want to EXPERIENCING the life you want.

We are talking about daily decisions, life visions, and everyday actions to get you on the path toward the concept you have of the life you want. The journey begins! Let’s get started.

Check it out! https://www.spreaker.com/show/2963434/episodes/feed

Creating Action Plans

renata-adrienn-711234-unsplashProductivity!

Nothing really feels better to me than knocking things off my to-do list.

But if you’re like me, knowing what to do is just as important as doing it.

Not to mention, that little booger procrastination can slip in and throw everything off kilter.

So I came up with a system that helps me chunk down the tasks of my business, home, and personal life so that I can handle it in an approachable, clear way.

What is my goal for the week?

What do I want to have accomplished by Friday? What would make me feel successful and on the right path to my goals and ambitions?

Example: I’m restructuring my coaching course The Bloom Method. I have separated it down by modules, by the end of the week I would like to have two of those modules completed.

So this is our priority work: whether you work in an office, or have your own business, setting priorities is a key function in time management.

When do I need to have this accomplished?

When setting tasks, set a deadline! Work expands to the time you give it. Try using a handy pomodoro timer (25 minutes of work followed by a 5 minute break) to see how long tasks take when you are able to fully focus. I personally use this timer https://tomato-timer.com

Having a deadline matters, or else everything will slip in to the ether, along with your missing socks and all the hair ties.

Where are you going to do this?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes my home office is not conducive to the kind of work I want to do. If I need to really focus and get out of the house, I head to my favorite little coffee shop and soak up everybody else’s productivity vibes. Make sure when you are scheduling high priority tasks, your environment is set up to champion your cause.

Who do you need to be to accomplish this?

When we look at bigger projects, starting a business, overhauling your home, managing your children’s schedule etc. it is important to recognize that you might not have all the skills you need to accomplish it yet.

I don’t say this to scare you, but if you are setting up a social media platform that you have never used before, schedule yourself some time to learn that skill. You may not have the knowledge you need to do everything, but there is always time to learn or delegate.

Also, constrain! Give yourself time and focus, put your everyday tasks on your calendar and schedule them so you have time to focus on your highest priorities. The counters won’t wipe down themselves, but they can wait until you’re done. Know what matters.

Have a fantastic, productive week.

Alissa

Celebration and Mourning

Celebration, Mourning.

My youngest sister got married. It was the most amazing wedding I have ever been too. Everyone I love and have known forever was there.

My sister and her new husband have a beautiful relationship and they were truly celebrated.

We are so proud of them.

As this was the very best day of their life (hopefully more to come), there are so many emotions that come to the surface around family, past family of origin pain, divorce, death, loneliness, self-worth, personal identity within a framework that you may or may not have experienced in years.

Family reunions can have similar effects, funerals, anywhere where so many intertwined histories combine can create emotional experiences that can range from uncomfortable to completely overwhelming.

What is beautiful about this emotionally charged kind of event is that there are so many opportunities for sharing, supporting. Telling people you love them, or that you are sorry. Finding hope in what your loved ones have overcome or created, that you may do the same.

It has taken me a full two days to process all of the amazing interactions I had that night.

The beauty of two truly amazing people getting married, reconnecting with those I love, missing those who are no longer with us.

There is room for all of it.
We are messy emotional human-folk of course.
We all belong no matter what we’ve done.
Our feelings are valid.
Our pain and suffering are real.
Our joy is real.

So in times of celebration, when all the feelings rise up, allow them. Recognize them, name them to honor them.
But most importantly, heal them.
For yourself, and the life you wish to create.

Release, and remember the good parts that you want to keep.
Forgive yourself and others, because the opposite is what is keeping humanity locked against one another.

Never forget we all matter. Because we do.
Center in love, and non-judgment.
And party your ass off with all the people you love.

Cry a little if it hurts.

With love and celebration,

Alissa

Do you ever eat your feelings?

Do you ever emotionally shut down so you don’t have to be uncomfortable?

Do you drink wine when you’re stressed and upset?

 

I think we all do some kind of emotional suppression in search of relief and comfort.

This past month I experienced the death of a family member, and it was brutal.

The way she passed was inhumane, wrong, it shouldn’t have happened, to her or anyone.

I not only grieved for her, but I grieved for the state of humanity that would produce such an audacious act of violence.

I was driving home from our family vacation with my husband and children. As I drove, I allowed myself to just feel it all.

To feel the pain, the disappointment, the disgust of what had happened.

I cried on and off, quietly with myself. I felt the pain in my heart and heart chakra. I was uncomfortable. But I allowed it.

I stopped trying to change how I felt.

I paused and sat with my feelings.

I felt all of my emotions.

I remembered who I am, that feeling this pain was human and beautiful, and that she is now at peace. I remembered what I can control, and what I can’t. I remembered her and sent silent prayers to heaven.

This process for me, although not comfortable, and not easy, allowed me to truly feel.

Without drinking it away, without smoking it away, without eating or tv or distraction.

As we have been preparing for her funeral on Saturday, I have been able to see everything clearly, hold her in my heart and feel emotionally grounded because every feeling had been allowed to flow through my body, my heart, and my tears.

If you are feeling discomfort, sadness, frustration, pain, hurt, stop, pause, feel and remember. Remember that you can feel any feeling and a feeling is the worst thing that can happen.

Sending you love, healing, and hugs.

 

Alissa