When I decided to become a coach and still, to this day, I have a conversation in my head.
I have been wanting to write about this for a long time.
“Remember what you used to be like?”
“Why would anyone listen to you?”
Now I know you’ve probably seen 10,000 blogs, podcasts etc about imposter syndrome but this is about something else. This is about forgiveness, change and becoming a better version of who we are.
This is also about letting go of the person you used to be and stepping into the now. I am going to warn you, I’m going to share some things about myself that I’m not proud of. Some of these things can be triggering. However, I’m also going to talk about how I changed my mind, changed my behavior and changed myself. Because come on, isn’t that the point of coaching? To change into a better grander version of who we are?
So for those who don’t know, I am a proud Mama of 3 beautiful boys. They are now 5 and 6, and besides from the normal behavioral issues of preschool and school-aged children we are doing pretty well. I don’t know if you noticed, but I said 3 boys one year apart. I HAD THREE DAMN KIDS IN 1 YEAR to the DAY. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed, over my head and could barely afford anything. I also had zero coping mechanisms. And I drank in the evenings, regularly. More than I should. I lost friends because of it and a lot of respect of the people I love. I was drowning in every way. I was staying at home with my kids and losing it.
What I did to change:
- I looked at my kitchen one day and it was in shambles and I said, “a functional adult is not in charge here” and I cut way back.
- I put my kids in preschool and got some help! Realizing you need help and asking for it is CRITICAL.
- I started exercising to reduce stress and increase my energy level. It also gave me a sense of control when I felt so freaking buried all the time.
- I started focusing on coaching to change who I wanted to be, I worked on my mindset and my belief systems and I began my journey to healing parts of myself that were hurting and were AMPLIFIED by reliving the childhood experience.
This one is kind of the worst because I can’t believe some of the things I thought it was ok to think and do. I was hurtful to people I didn’t even know because I was angry. I also grew up during the South Park and Eminem TRL era, and being ignorant and saying shocking, hateful shit was the norm. I embraced shock humor, generalities, and hateful humor. Being a mean girl didn’t serve me and I often was more mean to myself than anyone else.
One day I was in a severe car accident. I had to recover, helplessly in a nursing home for a month. Now if that won’t humble you and give you reverence for other people and suffering I don’t know what will.
What I did about it:
- A little teacher name Dr. Wayne Dyer popped up on my PBS channel one day and spoke the deepest truth I had ever heard. I realized I’m in charge of my life, I have been given a second chance and it was time to become the wholehearted loving person I am.
- I read books that changed my life and I learned about the world. This process didn’t only start with a car accident. I studied cultural anthropology in college. Understanding how the world works and how people live has changed me for the better.
- I reconnected with my integrity and what I believe in. The golden rule, humanity, decency, and reverence for the human experience and all the suffering that comes with it.
Sloppy Party Girl
This one I’m still shedding. When I was in my early teens I started using drugs and drinking. Because to be honest, I thought that shit was fun. What I didn’t realize is that it was stunting my ability to cope with life and problems because I was drinking or smoking instead of honoring my feelings and communicating my needs. So I was going to hard and too far.
What I am doing about it:
- Cutting way back on drinking. The social norms for alcohol in this country are absurd. Also, it messes with my depression big time!
- Running. Running is my new drug. The longer I go, the higher I get.
- Running a coaching business: It is important to me that I represent what I study so hard and what I work on regularly. That means showing up as my best, most refreshed and most disciplined self.
How can you apply this in your life?
What parts of your past do you feel shame around? Write it down, talk to a close friend about how you’re feeling. Shame is deadly, and when we share our suffering it gives it space to breathe and we can feel how universal our shame and mistakes are. When we are able to create space for the things we aren’t proud of and look them in the eye, we can give ourselves grace. Remember what you were going through when that happened. Remember the foundation that built that behavior and what was hurting. Remember the pain you felt and honor it! If we can conceptualize our pain and our experiences in totality it’s hard to forgive ourselves. Start there.
One more thing to remember: healing is a journey and it is absolutely not a straight line. We will move forward, back and forward again as we sort through trauma, stress, hardship whether it is from the past or the present circumstances at hand. If you look for healing it will find you. Your teachers will appear. I know that sounds very woo woo, but there is actually science behind it. Our brains are programmed to look for answers. Ask your brain a question and it will begin seeking and you might begin to notice things that you maybe didn’t before. Also, don’t forget that google search bar, friends and really building a support team. Coaching helps us move past hardships and become more future focused. Reiki can help us move energy out of our body, and therapy can help us face and deal with past trauma once and for all.
Thanks for reading/listening. Happy healing, transforming and becoming. ❤