The Disconnected Feminine

The feeling that brings me the most discomfort is confusion.

Not knowing what to do next, who I am or what I should be.

Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough?

I had a breakthrough recently and discovered one of my deep disconnections to myself and how it has manifested in my life.

I am a damn dirty people pleaser, recovering co-dependent. Lacking deep personal trust in myself and relying on the validation of others for my sense of usefulness and worthiness.

What is so frustrating is that I study this all the time. As a coach i’ve discovered with most clients the break in their happiness lies in some essence of not feeling worthy or “good enough”.

And how can anyone feel happy or worthy when we place that responsibility in to the hands of another who has no idea we’ve done it in the first place?

When we give our joy, sense of peace and sense of worth away, it breeds resentment, it breeds self-abandonment. What’s worse is that it can jeopardize otherwise healthy relationships because we have placed the burden of our happiness in to the hands of someone else.

As my own example, when I was in early teenage years I expressed myself through clothing and music and art. I loved to be outside and explore with my friends. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to be a radio DJ and writer. I wanted to live a huge life and experience everything that came with it. However, the clothing I was wearing, the hairstyles I had chosen for myself, were squashed almost immediately. It was not allowed in my family. Clothes were thrown away without my knowing. My blue hair was stripped and re-blonded. I had to cut our one-acre lawn with a push mower 5 times to cover the cost of the salon visit. I received the message loud and clear, suppress who you are.

I am now in my early 30’s, I have three children, I have survived a lifetime of trauma and worked diligently to fix myself. To be good enough. But it has lacked authenticity. It has lacked depth. Not because I didn’t want to dig deep, but because I hadn’t realized this core disconnect that occurred at the early on-set of my adolescence. That the expression of myself was something to keep quiet, to suppress, to change. That I was wrong. I tried to change everything. I got pretty far, I did pretty well, but there is always an underlying level of self-sabotage. Self-imploding exhaustion of playing a role of my perceived sense of perfection.

When I came to realize this core wound of self-rejection, I cried happy tears and sad tears. For the girl who was so lost and the woman telling her to keep quiet and for the woman who could finally be free.

Everyone is lovable, period. When we, or parts of ourselves are rejected by others, we are rejected because of their lack of ability to love us. Not that we are inherently unloveable. And if you struggle to believe that, which I did for a long time, know that that is a perfect place to start. Love and mother yourself back to you. Seek out books, teachers, spirituality that speaks to your broken heart. Listen to the whispers you hear and see around you, love is always there.

Allow your wild self to run free. ❤

Joy and Blessings,

Alissa

Be In Control

/This is the fourth post in my brand new series “Be”. Where we will look at different ways of feeling and being and examine how we can shift from our undesired feelings to the ones we wish to embody and feel. It is important to me that we don’t say “I want to be more ” or “I want to be less _” we have enough negative self-talk in our life. So for those of us seeking change and becoming who we want to be, I thought this would be a new and fun approach. I hope you enjoy./

To feel in control of our lives! What a gift!

One which I didn’t always have. I ignored problems, blamed other people, and chose to be resentful instead of taking control of my life. That is not a good place to be. For me, I felt trapped, lost, hopeless, and I was angry. Being angry for a long period of time is exhausting and not something I’m willing to do any more.

So here are 5. Way to Be in Control.

  1. Take Responsibility

Take responsibility for all of it. Everything that’s going on in your life right now? Good or bad? What’s the common denominator? It’s you baby! And even though that feels horrible sometimes because there are things that are out of our control, like car accidents, people leaving our lives, someone saying something hurtful, a medical diagnosis whatever it might be. What we can control is our /response/ to our circumstances. We can control how we view our circumstances. We can take responsibility for the unhealed parts of ourselves by seeking healing or therapy. We can take responsibility for the hardship in our family by seeking solutions. Everything is figureouttable, everything. Even if things seem bleak and impossible. There is help all around us to bring ourselves back to wholeness. Which is exactly where being in control starts. Taking that one small step to saying, this is my reality and I want to change it and I’m the only one who can.

  1. You are the captain of your ship.

What do you want for you life? What makes you excited? What is your hearts desire?

I believe that’s important because I believe we have a purpose in life. I believe that purpose lies in those deep, heart-felt desires. Know them, play with them. Imagine what the life could look like and draw a map. Schedule it, make it happen. You are in charge.

We live in a day in age where you can literally go to the library and start a business. If you don’t believe me, look no further. Last year my laptop broke. I went to the library every single day that my children were at school and from 9:30-10:30 I did everything I could to work on this business and here we are. I was a stay at home Mom with three kids in preschool and I made it happen even though it seemed impossible.

Seek solutions, seek possibility and give yourself grace and patience and the world is limitless.

  1. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES.

I did not know what boundaries were for a long time. I have allowed some really ridiculous things happen to me, especially people treating me badly simply because I didn’t realize that I could say, without saying to anyone else, you can’t treat me that way.

A boundary is just simply a rule that you make for yourself and an action for when that rule is not respected. My children are not allowed to scream at me or they will go to time out. I work from this time to this time, and I don’t schedule anything else. If you smoke in my car, I will ask you to stop.

It seems easy. But it can be really difficult when appropriate boundaries haven’t existed or been enforced. Like with family members, or with your kids. If I let my kids to something like have candy whenever they want, when I tell them no, they are going to get upset. I have to reinforce the boundary. I can tell them why or not. But I am making the purchasing decisions and I’ve said no.

So if you feel like you don’t have enough time, start putting some boundaries around what you do when. Make a schedule and stick to it. No matter what. Honor your commitments to yourself. Honor your energy and where you place it. Honor and respect yourself, your dreams, your family by saying no.

  1. Prioritize

When you know what’s important, you know what’s not. It is so much easier to say yes and no to opportunities, activities etc. when you are clear about what is important to you. Are you building a business? Are you working on goals with your children? Are you getting in shape? Use these projects and goals to help you prioritize your time and efforts. Especially if they have to do with behavior change. I’ll tell you why in a second.

  1. Stay in the game!

Zoning out is America’s favorite past time. Shutting down mentally and emotionally with Netflix, food, alcohol, video games, pornography, facebook, etc. the list goes on, can take you out of your own life. I have battled this one the hardest so I get it. I used to joke about what my feelings tasted like today, I’ve used alcohol to mask boredom, stress and self-hatred, I’ve spent hours online zoning out so I didn’t have to deal with everything else.

Put limits on these things. Allow yourself time to chill and plan them. Plan margaritas with your girlfriends and stop when you’re done. Plan to spend an hour on IG on Sunday night to help you relax. Plan on watching Netflix with your hubs or significant other on Wednesdays. Allow yourself to do it on your terms so you are in charge of your dopamine hit and not the other way around.

This is so critical for our brains now more than ever. We can be as distracted as we want to be and end up missing out on what we truly want in the long run by trading it in for pleasure in the short term. We are taking away from tomorrow when we choose distraction today.

Talk soon,
Alissa Taglione

Be Organized

/This is the second post in my brand new series “Be”. Where we will look at different ways of feeling and being and examine how we can shift from our undesired feelings to the ones we wish to embody and feel. It is important to me that we don’t say “I want to be more ” or “I want to be less _” we have enough negative self-talk in our life. So for those of us seeking change and becoming who we want to be, I thought this would be a new and fun approach. I hope you enjoy./

Calling Marie Kondo!
She loves mess.

Being organized is so important, because our outside stuff can really affect our inside sense of well being. Whether you are trying to get your kids dressed in the morning and can’t find anything because there are clothes that no longer fit everywhere, or your stressed because everything you need to get out the door is all over the house, organization keeps things running smoothly.

Now I know it’s work and there is emotional labor in sorting and throwing things away. But I want to offer you a prize for doing so.

Eliminating decision-making fatigue.

It’s a real thing. That’s why really highly productive people make decisions ahead of time. That’s why minimalism is so popular. Because the less stuff you have to sort through, the less decisions you have to make. The less decisions about little things like what to wear, what to eat and what to do everyday, frees up more energy to make decisions about big things. Like what do I want to do with this great big life of mine?

So let’s start easy.
What are some things you can do to be more organized today?
Could you get your schedule down on your calendar?
Could you plan out meals for the week?
Could you clean out a closet?

The Marie Kondo overhaul is not necessary. However it is really good to take small actions to help your space feel clear and open. It will help you feel more clear and open. Your environment is really important! Even visual overstimulation can fatigue our brains, and we get enough visual input through our cell phones alone.

So give yourself grace and make some room for a little organization and over time you will “Be Organized” and that will help your life run more smoothly and give you more time for the things you love, and less time for being stressed about finding this or that.

Have a great week,
Alissa Taglione

Be Polished and Poised

This is the third post in my brand new series “Be”. Where we will look at different ways of feeling and being and examine how we can shift from our undesired feelings to the ones we wish to embody and feel. It is important to me that we don’t say “I want to be more ” or “I want to be less _” we have enough negative self-talk in our life. So for those of us seeking change and becoming who we want to be, I thought this would be a new and fun approach. I hope you enjoy.

5 Ways to Feel Confident and Put Together

Do you ever see those ladies who seem to have it all together? Like the hair is done, the nails are done, everything is clean and bright? And you wonder, how do they do this? How is it that they got up this morning and got their kids ready and everyone out the door and still look like this?

When my kids were babies and I was working, people asked me how I did this all the time. The truth was, I wasn’t put together fully. My mornings were hectic and crazy and overwhelming. My kids were all in diapers at the same time, all in cribs and drinking bottles and into everything at the same time. So getting out the door in one piece wasn’t easy. So even if you’re feeling like a crazy lady inside, it’s possible to still feel confident and put together.

  1. Buy basics.

Being basic might not be the coolest thing, but buying staple pieces that can be thrown together quickly and are classic make getting dressed in the morning so much easier. Dresses, sweaters, a white button down shirt. Flats in a couple different colors. Throw in a couple of fun statements tops or jewelry that really says “hi I’m still in here!” allows you to dress up the basics and look polished without all the extensive effort.

J. Crew Factory is my go to for easy shopping. They have great skirts and tops and jackets and everything basically goes together. Plus everything on their website is on sale pretty regularly so you can update your wardrobe for not a lot of money.

  1. 3 Minute Face

There is so much contouring in the world today. Make up has reached new levels of glam and sometimes I just can’t handle it. I’m a minimalist when it comes to make-up and a little can go a long way. When I was hardly sleeping concealer became my best friend. Bare Minerals liquid foundation is a quick glow up for my face (takes no time at all to apply) a little bronzer, mascara and lip gloss and I’m out. Sometimes I do this in the car. Because the how doesn’t matter as much as the result and I’m a realist.

  1. Nice Bag

Have one good purse.
That goes with everything.
That keeps all your things.
Invest a little extra so it stays around for a while.

I’m a big fan of the Kate Spade outlet because you can buy really nice backs at 70% off. These bags last forever and they always look good.

  1. Emergency Back Ups

When I was working I always had the following things in my car, because no one has time to feel self-conscious when they have a job to do, a family to care for and people to talk to.

  1. Face Wipes
  2. Deodorant
  3. Hairspray/Dry Shampoo
  4. Wisp Teeth Cleaners
  5. Lip Gloss
  6. Tampons

Everyone gets sweaty, sometimes we need to freshen our breath, sometimes you need to plump up your pout. There’s no shame in it. Even if you’ve rolled out of bed and thrown an outfit on, this list can get you through the day.

  1. Underwear

When I was younger my very fabulous Aunt would take me shopping and show me how to dress and it was an extremely helpful and important education.

Bras:
White
Black
Neutral

I don’t know why this was so helpful for me. Growing up with Pink and VS everywhere, all the time, kind of took the simplicity out what I should be wearing. So wearing patterned or colorful bras under shirts was just not a mistake I realized I was making.

Having a go to beige bra to throw on in the morning that won’t show a lace pattern or draw unwanted attention just makes it so much easier to get out the door. Also having decent panties and bras just makes you feel better. It also helps your clothing fit better so that you are getting a smooth silhouette.

I hope this was a helpful post. These tips got me through a difficult time where there wasn’t a lot of room for self care. Everyone’s definition of put together or polished is different, just like everybody’s style. So have fun with your self-expression.

Be Composed

This is the first post in my brand new series “Be”. Where we will look at different ways of feeling and being and examine how we can shift from our undesired feelings to the ones we wish to embody and feel. It is important to me that we don’t say “I want to be more ” or “I want to be less _” we have enough negative self-talk in our life. So for those of us seeking change and becoming who we want to be, I thought this would be a new and fun approach. I hope you enjoy.

Composure.

Calm.
Cool.
Collected.

I love feeling composed. I love feeling calm, relaxed, and collected.
I struggle with maintaining my composure for mostly 3 reasons.

  1. Overtired
  2. Overwhelmed
  3. Stressed

As a Mom of three boys and a coach working to build my own business maintaining composure can be difficult. So I wanted to share some of the ways I maintain composure and address the 3 main triggers I listed above.
So here are 5 ways to help you feel composed, even when life gets hectic.

  1. Take care of yourself first

This is the most important thing I can reiterate. When I am up early, have my day planned, have the clothes picked out and know what’s happening that day- I can handle just about anything.

Getting a good nights rest, eating what you need to fuel your own unique body, being ahead of your day so that you are in control is the number one secret of composed people.

  1. Be Proactive, Not Reactive
    Really get that schedule honed in. Know your goals. Know what’s going on with your money, your body, your home. Open your eyes to every aspect of your life so that you’re in charge.

Sometimes ripping that bandaid off and looking at the different sectors of your life can be uncomfortable. I know there have been times where I have avoided the scale or checking my account balance because I would just rather not deal with it. That method, however, usually leads to bigger problems down the road. Whether you decide to take control or not, you will still reap the consequences.

  1. Take Charge of Your Thinking
    Meditation is so popular because it really does help. We have the capability to observe our thinking. To hear our negative thoughts without reacting to them or judging them. We can literally just watch our brains and see what’s going on in there.

Often times it’s a lot of old stuff. Negative beliefs or thoughts from when we were kids. Most of it isn’t true either. Yet continues to play in the background of our mind.

These “limiting beliefs” are the NUMBER 1 reason we hold ourselves back. Whether it be a lack of self-worth or just feeling like we could never achieve something, or the scariest of the three comparison, what we think, we believe. What we believe, becomes our life.

So if you believe you can’t handle this, or there is no way you can do something, you’re right.

So how do we counter these thoughts? Stay curious.
Watch your thinking.
Write down some of the thoughts that come up over and over and ask “is this really true about me?”

Your thoughts create your emotions. Period. So if you want to start feeling better, if you want to feel in control and composed, you have to have the thought to match that emotion.

“I can handle this”
“People do this everyday”
“It’s possible”
“One step at a time”
“I’m OK”

Take breaks, check your head space, make sure you are breathing!
Allow yourself to come back to a feeling of equilibrium.

We can choose how we feel by choosing thoughts that help us feel good. Sometimes we can’t get from total overwhelm to zen. We can, however get to total overwhelm to compassion for ourselves. Compassion creates a space of understanding the drivers of that feeling of overwhelm, and allows us to shift in a new direction.

Lady, Give Yourself a Break

It’s good to be back. Last week was spring break and I got to spend so much one on one time with my littles. My twins are going to Kindergarten screening today and I just can’t even deal with how fast they are growing.

But I will be completely honest, I am exhausted. I am so friggen tired from last week that I ordered my iced coffee with a shot of espresso in it.

Being a Mom is hard, tireless work. All too often it is undervalued, and so are duties that go with it. We also have our own dreams, our own aspirations, hobbies and desires to go after. It never seems like enough. There never seems to be enough time. The early years of being at home with children is a staccato rhythm, a constantly interrupted effort.

So this week, the old guilt has tried to come back:

“i’m not doing enough”

“my work isn’t consistent”

“I can’t do all of this”

And i’m done with it.

I’m giving myself a break. Honoring taking a week off to be with my boys, and not feeling guilty for still being tired this week. I am honoring the efforts of my motherhood and taking care of 5 people including my husband. I am appreciating the support I give those around me.

I am allowing for rest and time to RECEIVE, rather than give.

This isn’t an excuse not to show up and make our dreams happen, as Marie Forleo says, “everything is figureouttable” and I believe that. My concern is the EXTRA SUFFERING that comes with the guilt, the pressure, and the ideal version of what our lives look like.

So whether you’re a working mom, a mom of 4 under 6 years old, or a new mom of 1 little precious baby, please give yourself the grace, space and love you deserve.

This is not an easy assignment. What you’re doing is sacred work and deserves more honor than our society assigns.

You will always find reverence for your efforts, dreams, hardships and love here. Always.

Have a great week,

Alissa

Spiritual Beliefs

My personal journey of spirituality is probably one that will resonate with a lot of women my age. We have all started working with aromatherapy, crystals, and meditation is so normal now. My spiritual journey has been a series of unfolding, with my apprehension for the lutheran church I grew up, my issues with the beliefs of traditional christianity and the lack of acceptance specifically of the LGBT community. I have always felt and known a God presence, and I feel it on a regular basis. I also believe in Jesus, as a teacher and a spiritual entity. I believe in the Buddha and buddhist teachings I believe in the cohesion of the spiritual experienced translated as a religion.

The biggest turning point in my spiritual journey was the late Dr. Wayne Dyer. Recently I have been re-reading a lot of his books and his wisdom still rings so true to me.

I was laying in bed after a severe accident, I was finally home, but couldn’t work. We were so broke, everything felt like it had been destroyed and the hope for reconstruction felt slim and so difficult. I am an avid supporter and consumer of PBS programming and Wayne Dyer’s special came on. I can’t remember which one it was, but it spoke to me in a deeply, profound way.

He spoke about the soul in a temporary body, the evolution of the soul over time. That life was full of lessons and fulfilling our own Dharma. All things I had been interested in but was afraid to explore. He spoke about synchronous experiences, for example series of specific events leading to a specific outcome that seemed orchestrated from somewhere else. During my recovery this spoke to me the most.

I had animals coming to my back door and pawing at the window. The day of my car accident I had a snake cross my path, in a place where I had never seen a snake cross before. I have had several other animal interactions but it seemed like nature was speaking to me. I was listening. I began searching and ended up working with Heidi Howes, a shamanic practitioner in Columbus, Ohio. Another part of my healing journey began and I started to feel intuitive aspects of my person that I had never experienced before.

Reiki was particularly helpful because after my accident I had children back to back, and the second pregnancy was twins! I love my children but 3 boys in two years is a lot of work, and a lot of hardship. In this time I turned to God and prayed often. I was battling the difficulty of the responsibility I had been so beautifully gifted with, and my own inner demons at the same time. To say I lost my mind a little would be an understatement of the truth. But I made it through with the help of my spiritual connection to God. I looked for signs all around me, praying when things were hard, and knowing that this all has a purpose gave me a framework for survival in a difficult time.

I don’t know what my readers believe, and I don’t often share my own beliefs, but I can say that they have been important to me. Spending time in nature is meditative and feels like prayer to me. Reading a learning about spiritual guidance can teach me just as much as church on Sunday morning.

No matter where your journey takes you, if you are going through trauma and hardship keep going. There are great resources for free to look in to how the universe supports us all. Whether you believe in a god-figure or not I have no judgement or belief that anyone should believe anything else. But it’s such a beautiful part of my life on a day to day basis. It has buoyed me through the storms in my life and pointed me through the dark.

Have a great week,

Alissa

Resources:

Dr. Wayne Dyer: If You Believe It You Will See It

Abraham Hicks

Pema Chodron

Deepak Chopra

Louise Hay

Heidi Howes