The feeling that brings me the most discomfort is confusion.
Not knowing what to do next, who I am or what I should be.
Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough?
I had a breakthrough recently and discovered one of my deep disconnections to myself and how it has manifested in my life.
I am a damn dirty people pleaser, recovering co-dependent. Lacking deep personal trust in myself and relying on the validation of others for my sense of usefulness and worthiness.
What is so frustrating is that I study this all the time. As a coach i’ve discovered with most clients the break in their happiness lies in some essence of not feeling worthy or “good enough”.
And how can anyone feel happy or worthy when we place that responsibility in to the hands of another who has no idea we’ve done it in the first place?
When we give our joy, sense of peace and sense of worth away, it breeds resentment, it breeds self-abandonment. What’s worse is that it can jeopardize otherwise healthy relationships because we have placed the burden of our happiness in to the hands of someone else.
As my own example, when I was in early teenage years I expressed myself through clothing and music and art. I loved to be outside and explore with my friends. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to be a radio DJ and writer. I wanted to live a huge life and experience everything that came with it. However, the clothing I was wearing, the hairstyles I had chosen for myself, were squashed almost immediately. It was not allowed in my family. Clothes were thrown away without my knowing. My blue hair was stripped and re-blonded. I had to cut our one-acre lawn with a push mower 5 times to cover the cost of the salon visit. I received the message loud and clear, suppress who you are.
I am now in my early 30’s, I have three children, I have survived a lifetime of trauma and worked diligently to fix myself. To be good enough. But it has lacked authenticity. It has lacked depth. Not because I didn’t want to dig deep, but because I hadn’t realized this core disconnect that occurred at the early on-set of my adolescence. That the expression of myself was something to keep quiet, to suppress, to change. That I was wrong. I tried to change everything. I got pretty far, I did pretty well, but there is always an underlying level of self-sabotage. Self-imploding exhaustion of playing a role of my perceived sense of perfection.
When I came to realize this core wound of self-rejection, I cried happy tears and sad tears. For the girl who was so lost and the woman telling her to keep quiet and for the woman who could finally be free.
Everyone is lovable, period. When we, or parts of ourselves are rejected by others, we are rejected because of their lack of ability to love us. Not that we are inherently unloveable. And if you struggle to believe that, which I did for a long time, know that that is a perfect place to start. Love and mother yourself back to you. Seek out books, teachers, spirituality that speaks to your broken heart. Listen to the whispers you hear and see around you, love is always there.
Allow your wild self to run free. ❤
Joy and Blessings,