Hello, my name is Alissa Taglione and I’m a perfectionist.
I don’t know when I became this way or why. But I do know that this mentality has had a profound effect on my life.
I walk often, and this last week I have been walking more than I have in years. It gives me time to sort my thoughts and get clear on what’s important in my life and steers me away from my automatic response- total fucking meltdown. On Sunday morning, I woke up feeling very stressed about building this business and putting my work out into the world to be judged.
So I hit the trail.
As I hiked up the highest hill, my mind began churning around this fear, inevitably my thoughts were:
“What if I’m not good enough”
“What can I contribute that isn’t already out there?”
“Your grammar sucks!”
And self-doubt and self-criticism and so on and so forth.
And it occurred to me rather abruptly, perfectionist wait and wait and wait until everything they create is “perfect” *(which it never is we will talk about procrastination in an upcoming blog post). Nothing is ever ready and nothing is ever good enough and nothing will ever be good enough because THEN someone would have to see it.
Someone would have to look at your work and might say “I hate it”.
That is the reward of perfectionism, you never have to show up because “it’s not quite ready yet” or it’s not good enough. You never have to get in the ring because it’s not “perfect”.
Well let me tell you (and me) something, that is fear friends, fear of judgment, fear of alienation, fear of our authenticity and our own gifts.
But do you want to know what’s worse?
We literally tell ourselves that everything we create isn’t good enough. Which is almost the same as saying everything we do and are isn’t good enough. And we say it over and over and over again!
That was my breakthrough on the hill.
It’s fear, but what perfectionism really boils down to is a deeply rooted lack of self-worth. And in more extreme cases, self-loathing.
My perfectionism has manifested in a lot of ways. Overachieving, depressive episodes, alcoholism, burning myself out, dieting and working out in an extremely unhealthy way. It has had many faces. Some were visible to others and some were very secret. But I did my best not to let anyone know.
So, for me this is the ultimate challenge,putting all of my creativity, my work, my life out there to the world to be judged. It is extremely frightening. But my life has served me in such a way so that I can learn from what I’ve been through, address the main cause and fight for everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
When I was on that hill I told myself that my perfectionism would no longer steal a second away from me. That the life that was controlled by my fear of judgment, my lack of self-worth and my self-loathing were all an illusion that I created in my mind.
They no longer can stand strong because intentionality and self-love are stronger.
If this is you, if this is how you’re feeling, email me at email@example.com to sign up for your free 30-minute mini-session. We will go over tools to help you look deeper to find the source of your perfectionism and change the painful thoughts around it. I promise you, once you find the painful thoughts the whole world opens up.